I started this post when my husband was in the hospital. I didn’t get it finished while we were there… too many nurses walking in and out of the room? Amazing people, those nurses! I didn’t get to finish it the first month we were home. Still, I think about these things.
Lately, there has been so much on my mind. So many words written. So many things not really said. So many things changed. This seems to have become my life.
These last six days have been scary. These last six days have been frustrating. These last six days have been long. These last six days have been heartbreaking. These last six have been hard on our kids. These last six days have been a blessing.
Now, I’m not a biblical scholar, but let me tell you what that means to me.
The Bible talks about a sifting that will happen. In Luke 22:31 Jesus says, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”
See, Jesus was hanging with his tribe, these men he called his disciples. They were celebrating the Passover. Jesus had told two of them how to find the place where they would eat together, and the men followed his directions, found it exactly as He had said, and made the preparations. Once all the men are all sitting around the table, Jesus gives us the words most churches now quote when they gather for communion.
Most churches, however, stop before that chapter does. Jesus, taking the cup, talks about his blood being poured out for them, and moves right into talking about his betrayer! This comment starts an argument between the rest of the men. Seriously, they started fighting about which one of them was the greatest. Jesus tells them he would be betrayed by one of them and they start telling him why each one is better than the other. Talk about missing the point!
Once they begin to argue over which one is the greatest, Jesus talks to them about the difference between secular government and heavenly government. The people of the world want to rule over the people. When you run into a worldly person in charge, how do they treat you? Typically, they hold power, and they let you know it. Unless you can do something for them, they have little use for you.
But kingdom-minded leaders should be different. For Jesus’ challenge to be met, a leader must serve. They must honor those who are under them. Why? Because that is the way Jesus lead.
Sifting can and does happen in life. What that looks like is different for each of us. What needs to look the same for each of us is this, when we have been tested, have come through the sifter and learned from it, we are to help those who have not learned the same lessons yet.
What would the world be like if everyone who took a step up, turned and helped the next guy make the same level up? What if everyone who grew, helped the person behind them learn the same lesson without as much pain?
Maybe that’s what love really looks like.
with you. And when they are not directly about you, they sneak up and blindside me with some unexpected tie to you.
uld be ok. It is one of the last conversations we had, and it replays in my mind often. Your selfless concern you had for me is unmatched.
t I could call you for one more chat. To tell you what’s going on now. What the kids are doing now. What I’m doing now. To ask you about your own grief when you lost Grandma. I remember the trip back, and how you cried. I remember your tears at the funeral home. I don’t remember any more. I never saw you wrestle like I have wrestled. I know we had conversations about Grandma, but I don’t remember telling you through my tears how much I missed my grandmother like my kids tell me.
I miss knowing that if something was important to me, you would care about it. No matter how trivial it really was, you still would understand. You still wanted to listen. You still cheered me on. I miss knowing that even if I had called you five times already, you would still be excited to talk to me if I called again.
Y’all. Yesterday was a month. The first 30 days are now behind us. Some hard moments walked through. Others, as of yet, still unknown. Since music has been such a mainstay in my life, as I have gotten up and moving each day, facing each trial or smile as they come my way, I find I am holding onto yet another song.
mainstay in several different ways for me. I have loved 
speak to me with each offering. The newest album,
et yourself get stagnate, move. Nothing left to give? Don’t give up, pick your foot up and move. Yes, things are hard. It’s part of life. However, morning is coming. The sun will rise soon. Now is not the time to give into the things that make you feel weak. The bridge of the song says:
I have now lived two weeks on this Earth without a major piece of my heart. Sun up to sun down. Minute by minute. Mile stone by mile stone. Foot step by foot step. Breath by breath.
But my Mom was also one of the most amazing women on this planet. She was so sweet and nurturing. When she loved you, you knew you were loved. It was like a warm blanket on a cold night. Soft, warm, comforting. She had a smile that would light up a room, soften the hardest heart, and put even the grumpiest grouch at ease. She taught me to give to people. I can not count all the times she gave away blankets she made with her hands and her heart. She loved to talk to people, learn their story. She set you at ease and lifted your heart.
Even sitting here now, I find myself wishing I could ask her opinion or advice. Or just throw my arms around her for a hug. The grief comes in waves. Sometimes they are little waves and just rock me enough to take a step back. Sometimes they are big waves and are impossible to stand up against. And while I’m sure they will slow and become less traumatic, I’m equally sure they will never really calm or be still. There is a void that can not be refilled on this earth.
A new step in parenting was braved today… It’s been years in the making. There was lots of sweating, heart pounding, pulse racing… all done by Mom. If you haven’t taken such parenting steps yet, let me tell you there is no preparing for the sight. Seriously, there really is no way to prepare for the feelings that run through you as your baby drives off alone for the first time.
And just like that, he’s out of your line of sight. Off on his own adventures. It is a good thing, you must remind your pounding heart and queasy stomach. It is a good thing. Letting him go is a good thing. You have given him the keys he needs to do well. This is his chance to prove it to himself, and the world. He’s got this.
Momma Kisses 