Random Thoughts

What Reflection?

| Mommakisses

I’ve got some friends who do not believe as I do. So I’ve been thinking about the way it seems people see Jesus. And it bugs me! To look at something and KNOW it’s the truth, it’s hard to understand how someone else can look at it and NOT know.

So I’ve given it some thought. And last night it hit me… If you are talking to someone who has NO idea who Elvis Presley is, what do you do? Do you take them to Vegas and show them the Elvis impersonators? I think not! You don’t want their first taste of Elvis to be some one’s take on him.

No, you want them to feel the soul in his voice, to hear the rich tones and be moved by the energy he had. You pull out your MP3 player and crank “Jailhouse Rock” or “All Shook Up.” Maybe even toss in some tenderness and play “Love Me Tender” or “Always On My Mind.” Then you pull out the dvds and show them his fun side. You can go on line and pull up tons of photos of that crooked smile. There’s so much out there that give people a glimpse what Elvis was like.

It’s a bit harder to do with Jesus. There’s no MP3s of the things He said… but they are recorded in a book. There’s no movie of the miracles he did… but they still happen today if you look for them. There’s no pictures of his handy work… but if you look out side you can still see it.

Yes, I know people look at each other… but sometimes that is every bit as crazy as calling an impersonator Elvis. They can get close… but other times they are just crazy. That’s the way Christians are… sometimes you fine one who is really trying to live as He said, and does a good job of reflecting Jesus to those around him. But there are others who call themselves Christians who are just crazy. All I’m saying is know who you are looking at… and don’t judge the real thing by those who are impersonating. Your reflection will be clear as mud then.

What are you reflecting?

Really???

| Mommakisses

I don’t even know how to start this… Can I be tired of this? Seriously? I got a call Tuesday morning… really, I didn’t want a call Tuesday morning. I sure didn’t want this call.

I have a friend… sweet, soft spoken, funny, feisty. She is a joy to be around. She is a thinker, a worshiper. She is a writer and an encourager. I love to see her smiling face when I walk into church. She is a mom of a 15 year old daughter and a six year old son. They are her joy.

Two years ago she was told she had stomach cancer. I watched her walk that road with a quiet dependence on her Lord and Savior. I watched her question her God. I watched her find her answers in the love of a Savior. I watched her grow stronger. I watched her drop a lot of weight. I watched her learn a new way to eat.

With all that has gone on over the several months, I have not been to church much… which means I have not been to our Sunday School class. I think I saw her in October… maybe early November.

So I got a call Tuesday morning. Shawn had gone on to be with her Savior late Monday night. She left her sweet husband, and two beautiful children to struggle on without the loving arms of their Momma. To finish growing up with only memories of their Momma’s kisses. It’s not right. I don’t understand it. I have to trust Jesus is in control.

And I have to miss my friend.

Who’s going to miss you?

| Mommakisses

I have dealt with a lot of loss in my 38 years. I’m not sure I can begin to count all the extended family, but there have been several close, too – a Grandmother, a Step Grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, even a couple high school friends.

The first one I remember is my Uncle Roger. He was my dad’s baby brother. If I remember correctly, he was 20… I was six. I remember he would call me George. I honestly don’t know why. He was raised as the youngest of three boys and I was the first grandchild and first girl in their family… so he called me George.

I also remember my Grandmother Annabelle… I was in the 4th grade. I can still see her sitting at the table, listening to some silly thing I was telling her, like it was THE most important thing she had to do… and when I finished, she would tilt her head back in laughter and slap her knee.

I could go on, but I would never get to my point, so I won’t. I spent the Christmas holiday missing my Grandpa – John Dale Miller was a fixture in my life as long as I can remember.

As the youngest of three, my Grandpa would often get interrupted when he was speaking. Later in life, he would start telling stories (usually they were very funny) and he would just stop in the middle… and wait… and when he KNEW you were listening, he would finish. Sometimes, he would take off signing songs he would sing when he was in the army… you had to laugh at the old man singing dirty songs!

I’ll be honest, growing up, I just thought he was a grumpy old man… someone who didn’t like little kids, and therefor, didn’t like me. Even so, he would take me fishing, hunting, hiking and just on rides to the mountains (one of the advantages to growing up in Wyoming).

I remember the day that changed very clearly… It was my 17th birthday… and I think I was at their house for lunch… they were close enough I could walk from school, and did often (though I probably drove more). That day, he stopped me from leaving… he had something for me. He walked into their basement and came back with one of his fly rods. He was a man of few words, but his actions spoke volumes.

He did it to me again in August 2008, when he asked me if I had replaced a pistol that had been stolen several years before (it had been in my car when it was stolen). I had not. Wanting to make sure grandparents1my family and I are protected, he went to his room, and brought me the pistol he kept there. Then he turned to T and said, “Now, you go get you one!”

I learned at his funeral, that he was proud of me even before I turned 17. We were out in the mountains, Grandpa, a cousin MA, and me… I was about 12. There probably were others, but the three of us were together. We had taken a moment to rest, when Grandpa pointed to an area, “MA, where is that over there?” MA and I looked around Grandpa at each other, and at the same time said, “Over there!” Grandpa had a few choice words for us!  What I learned, was when we got up to leave, MA started in one direction, me in another, and Grandpa stopped him, pointed at me as I walked off and said, “That’s MY granddaughter!” I am so grateful MA shared that ending with me.

John Dale Miller left a big hole in my life. I learned much from him. I learned to listen well when others speak… or sometimes you will miss out. I learned to enjoy the world God created. I learned to wait quietly. He will be greatly missed. As I continue to live my life, I hope to do so in a way that will be honoring to his name. I hope to do so in a way that will make others say the same thing about me. I want a life well lived.

My Grandparents, in the last picture I took of them together. This was Thanksgiving weekend 2008.

The Roller Coaster

| Mommakisses

I have been a bit lax in my writing… too many other things going on… I’ve got a couple other posts started… but you see how far that has gotten… sigh…

I am a bit of an emotional wreck right now… It’s the holidays… we, like every other person in this country, have a lot on our plate right now. However, we have the added roller coaster of my 85 year old Grandfather being in the hospital. He fell and broke his leg last week… which started the roller coaster. Not that he was in the best of health before, but we knew what to expect… he was Grandpa, a tired, funny, hard of hearing, caring man. When you called and talked to Grandma, she would tell you he was “about the same.” And you knew what that meant.

About the same has taken on a very different meaning these last five days.

See, somewhere along the way, Grandpa’s heart has gone from running on six cylinders to running on two… yes 2. We don’t really know how much was done this weekend, and how much has been over the last several years. We are hoping to know more in the morning. He’s going in for another surgery. One that will, hopefully, tell us if there is anything that can be done to improve his quality of life… and really, to save his life.

Now “about the same” means he is doing better one minute, and not doing good the next. It means the drs have been concerned they won’t be able to stabilize him. It means things can go south very fast.

Have you lost a loved one? More than one? We all see our share of loss… sometimes I feel like I’ve been handed more than my share… and I’m sure it’s just self pity, ‘cuz we all go through it… I have buried a Grandmother, Step Grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, and countless extended family. In 2002 I buried seven family members in a three month stretch (with 5 of those being from one family killed in a house explosion).  In 2006 we had lost one of our cats to cancer on Dec. 23 and had our 5th miscarriage on Dec. 24.

And now we are riding this roller coaster of loss again… up and down… gonna loose him… doing better… hurry up and wait… I don’t know how anyone who doesn’t know the peace of Jesus can walk this road. And yet people do it every day.

I promise the next post will not be so depressing… I’m going to put up pictures of the Grinch on Ice.. That was fun… Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

The Choice Is Up To You

| Mommakisses

I have been working on this for over a week now… much too long for one little thought!

I used to read these fun books as a kid called “Choose Your Own Adventure.” You would read a page or two and then be presented with two choices (sometimes even three)… Choose A… Turn to page x. Choose B… Turn to page y. Each ending very differently… and if I didn’t like what happened, I would go back and make another choice.

It has become apparent to me that life is nothing if not a choice. And every choice leads to another choice. And even by not choosing… you are making a choice. Really you don’t have a choice about making a choice. Don’t like how things are going in your life? Make another choice… something different than you have been, ‘cuz if you keep choosing the same and expect a different outcome… well that insanity is another blog!

Sometimes people make choices, and they are the WRONG choices. Sometimes you can see that end coming, sometimes it blindsides you. I do have to wonder at the reasons people make their choices… A man I know recently made a choice that rocked his world and that of his family. A friend of mine had coffee with a woman who had $9 to her name. A choice… that’s all it would take to put me in either one of their shoes.

Life and other crazy things

| Mommakisses

Yes, life has been crazy here… kids, birthdays to plan, friends and family to enjoy… yep life is good.

My little K is growing up… she turns 1 on Saturday. ONE! Can you believe it? I’m really not sure where the time went… What happened to how slow time went when I was in school and the day would drag on and on? Or the summers that would last FOREVER?

Now I have a husband and kids who make me smile (S just asked me to “take the petals off” of her banana and throw them in the trash!).

The thing I keep thinking about it is how close I walked to the edge of life a year ago. Did I know it at the time… no… morphine kept me from thinking that clear. Was it unnerving? Oh, yeah… especially for my DH! The best he could do was play some computer chess to keep his mind of the fact he had a new born baby, and his wife was bleeding out.

It took about 5 hours to fully stop the hemorrhaging. I had an incredible team of drs., nurses and all taking care of me… and K for that matter. My parents had the other 3… and really didn’t know the extent of what was happening until it was over… which is really a blessing.

Do I know why I walked that path? Not really. I mean, I know why I was bleeding now, but why did God take me down that path… I’ve not gotten any word from Him. I don’t know His plan. All I know is I now have four wonderful kids and I’ve been given the chance to raise them. It is my prayer to be the worthy of that chance. To raise them to serve Him with glory and honor. I know I have a wonderful husband, and I have been given the chance to love him the best I can. I pray I can do so with glory and honor for God. I have been given the best friends ever… and I want to be the best friend I can be for each of them. I have been given the best family ever… I want to be the best I can be for them.

Thank you, Lord, for one more chance.

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What are we celebrating?

| Mommakisses

Tonight was what our church calls “Trunk or Treat”… where church members park their car, decorate their trunk, and costumed children parade by gathering candy. They also have games, bounce houses, hay and pony rides… general fun for those under the driving age.

When I picked the boys up from school, they were very excited to be able to don their chosen attire and harvest the sweets. J told me of a conversation he and friend had, where they were discussing the few days left until Halloween. J continued with this “I told him our church celebrates Halloween tonight.” I cringed. The idea of actually celebrating what Halloween stands for did not sit well for me. The conversation became one of trying to help an 8 year old grasp the concept of redeeming something that was rather dark.

I guess I have viewed Halloween as something you do… like going to a movie… NOT a celebration… Dictionary.com lists celebration as “to observe (a day) or commemorate (an event) with ceremonies or festivities; to make known publicly; proclaim; to praise widely or to present to widespread and favorable public notice.” Halloween is listed as “Eve of All Saints, last night of October” (1556), the last night of the year in the old Celtic calendar, where it was Old Year’s Night, a night for witches.” Proclaim or praise a night for witches? I don’t think so.

So what are we doing? When we are participating in Halloween, are having an evening of fun with our kids? Or is there something more we are doing? I am not sure. I know as a child, I enjoyed pretending to be someone else… I know my kids (drama kids that they are) enjoy the same… so what am I teaching them? If he had used any other word, I am sure I would not be having this conversation with you… I would not be l thinking about it. I really didn’t like to hear that our church celebrates witches…

And yet, our kids had a great time… Here they are with GR…

Did I Hear You Right?

| Mommakisses

I know it could be worse. I understand it’s not the end of the world. I know there are LOTS of people out there dealing with MUCH harder issues… All that knowledge doesn’t make this easier to stomach.

My sweet S has been saying “What?” when I talk to her a lot lately… I figured it was a 3 year old goofing off. One who didn’t want to put her toys away, or pick up her clothes. Then she started telling me she couldn’t hear whatever we were listening to in the van… well, it was kind of low… Next she started standing in front of the TV… I started to wonder if she was having vision issues… Yes, I can be kind of thick…

Then earlier this week it was, rather off-handedly, “my ears hurt.” She’s got her second set of tubes in… when she’s got an infection, I know it because of the “drainage.” Again, I just though she was messing around. Then (really how much should it take before a mom starts paying attention????) a couple of days ago she started jacking the volume on the tv up… and I would make her turn it down… “But I can’t hear it!” You can hear it just fine… I’m sitting right here and I can hear it, so I know it’s not too quiet…

Yesterday, after yet another tv volume jacking, I called her pediatrician’s office. The nurse on call (the one who answers parent’s questions and helps determin if a child needs to come in or if there is something that can be done from home) suggested one of those tubes might be blocked and she should be seen.

Once she is seen, her dr. says those ears look clear… no fluid, no infection… and rather as almost an after thought suggests testing her hearing. Sure I say, thinking this is no big deal… she hears me just fine… after all she answers me, and is very clear when she talks.

His nurse came to take her into the room where they run the test. I packed the other three (the boys are off for fall break this week) up and follow… after all, the door to leave is right there by that room and we will be leaving as soon as this test is done…

G, being a goofy boy, does his best to make noise and be silly while we stand there waiting on the test to be done. I have to get onto him several times. He’s making too much noise and will mess the testing up… probably not, but he really making too much noise to be in the office.

The door opens and S bounces out, followed by the nurse, who looks at me with a straight face, “She failed.” What? “Both ears.” WHAT???? As we head back to the room, my mind fogs over with a million questions, and I can’t even think of one. I do manage to ask by how much, to which I am told they really don’t know. This test is just a pass/fail test. For more information, we must go to an Ear Nose Throat dr. Back to the guy who put the tubes in her ears.

I called them as soon as we got into the car. They have a specialist who will retest her hearing next week. I have to wait until next week to get any kind of answer… so until then I have to wait… and trust God.

This has made me want to hug on her a bit more tightly… and this was very evident this morning. She curled up next to me on the couch when she got up. “I want some milk, Mommy.” Ok, baby, I’ll get you some milk. I hugged and kissed her a bit more. “I want some milk, Momma.” OK, baby, I’m going to get you some. “Then stop hugging on me!” OK, some things just don’t change.

To My Door

| Mommakisses

Yes, to my door! They delivered to my door!

Maybe I should back up a bit… last week we got a flyer in the mail… I don’t usually pay any attention to flyers, but this one caught T’s eye. He handed it to me, “Maybe you should check this out,” he said as I was trying to get the child at my leg a drink.

This, was a web site for a grocery delivery service. I set it aside… I didn’t have time to run to the computer right that second. Sometime over the next couple of days, I pulled that flyer out and pulled up the site (www.plumgoodfood.com). It took me a bit to figure out where things were… sort of like walking into a grocery store for the first time… what isle do THEY put things in… each one is a little different, but you know the general area for most things.

How nice it was to sit in my house, in the quiet of an evening (ok it actually took me about three different sittings, but they saved my list each time), when children are SLEEPING, and I can THINK about what I need… and rather than writing a list (which I hate doing ‘cuz I either forget it at home or forget it’s in my pocket), I checked boxes, and added quantities. When I was done thinking of what I needed, I had my order ready. Not even once did I hear, “I want that” or “I hate going to the store” or even “I don’t want to ride in the cart,” no not even “I’ll obey you THIS time!”

I placed my order yesterday morning. I did not have to go to the store this morning, since I knew I had placed the order… I got to go work out instead. The best part is they brought it TO ME! When I opened my door to go pick up kids today, I had three big “totes” sitting on my porch. Now, this afternoon was NOT the best time for me to get such a delivery… I have to pick S up at 2:15, the boys up at 3:15 and soccer practices start at 4 and go to 7. I was running late (did I mention I got to go work out??? I also NEEDED a shower) so I headed out the door at 2… and back in the door at 8. I only had time to take the totes inside.

Yes, the milk, veggies, and frozen things sat in the totes on my kitchen floor for 6 hours. When T head this I got the “Now, Honey… that was NOT the best idea” roll of the eyes followed by a stern look, but when he opened the first tote he said, “This is colder than our fridge.” Seriously… the frozen things were more frozen then when I bring them home from the store myself.

OK, this is way long… but I must say, if you have the chance or need, this is a great way to get your shopping done!